Feather Berkower, co-author of Off Limits, was a featured interview on 9News in her home state of Colorado.

In the Wake of Penn State, a Call to Action

by Feather Berkower 

Like so many, I watched in distress as the sexual abuse allegations against Jerry Sandusky of Penn State and Bernie Fine of Syracuse University hit major news stations across the country. While Sandusky and Fine will have their days in court, the allegations are a stark reminder that in the absence of prevention, children are deeply vulnerable.

In addition to imagining the unimaginable—the violation of children by a trusted adult and possible institutional cover up—I also have been struck by the pervasive discomfort people have talking about child sexual abuse. I have heard too many euphemisms and vague references to “this type of behavior” or “that sort of thing,” and little if any discussion on how we can turn these two high profile situations into a much-needed national conversation on preventing child sexual abuse.

If discomfort inhibits parents from discussing body safety, it’s fear that deters people from reporting concerning or even inappropriate behavior—fear of offending or falsely accusing someone. Fortunately, there are responsible ways to report suspicious behavior, but neglecting to do so is not an option because perpetrators count on our silence and children pay the price.

As a prevention specialist, it’s my job to coach parents on how to speak up about body safety, so you can confidently and easily invite every person in your child’s life onto your prevention team. So often parents tell me they just don’t know how to start the conversation or they are worried about sounding accusatory. Inviting people onto your prevention team is an act of community building, and it’s the best way we have to build homes, schools, and communities that are off limits to child sexual abuse.

While we are waiting for the justice system to render a verdict in the Sandusky and Fine cases, I ask all of you to move toward your discomfort and have meaningful conversations with the people in your life about child sexual abuse prevention.

In the coming weeks, I invite you to revisit your child sexual abuse prevention plan and take at least one of the following four actions toward keeping your kids safe:

1. Put your discomfort aside and have a conversation about sexual abuse prevention and body safety with one person in your child’s life, with whom you have yet to speak. Invite this person to be on your prevention team! Remember: conversations about body safety are not accusatory, but rather are about building prevention teams.

Here’s an example:

“My son, Bruce, is really glad to be playing basketball this winter. Do you have a couple minutes? I’d like to talk about safety. Can you tell me what policies you have in place to minimize the risk of child sexual abuse in your basketball program?”

After the coach responds, let him or her know that you have safety rules you want to share. This is where you get to talk about body safety and secrets—e.g., “I will ask Bruce to follow the safety rules you have on your team. I also want to let you know about our safety rules, which we share with all of the people in our son’s life. Bruce does not keep secrets from his parents; he knows he can talk to trusted adults about any worries he may have; he is allowed to refuse unsafe requests; and lastly, he has body-safety rules for keeping his physical body safe.”

At the end of the conversation, you might ask the coach, “Can I count on you to be on our prevention team?”

2. Review the body-safety rules in your home and post them. Invite your children to help make a Family Rules or Body Safety poster!

3. Ask your baby sitter/nanny to sign an agreement in which he or she agrees to follow your Family’s Rules and join your prevention team. Check out the new Parenting Safe Children Nanny Packet!

4. If there is anyone in your life who you are concerned about—a child, teen, or adult who is engaging in inappropriate behavior or a child who is exhibiting signs that he or she may be abused—speak up and get help.

If you feel safe doing so, speak directly to the person in an open, non-defensive manner:

• Name the behavior that concerns you – e.g., “I notice you are tickling the children’s bellies at nap time.”
• State your feelings – e.g., “I am uncomfortable with you doing that.”
• Make a request – e.g., “And I would like you to stop doing that.”
• You might even ask a question like, “Why do you tickle the kids in the classroom at nap time?”

By speaking up about a concerning behavior, you put a potentially unsafe person on notice that you are educated and intolerant of inappropriate behaviors with children. If you’re speaking with a “safe” person, it’s a great opportunity to discuss appropriate touch of children.

If you do not feel comfortable speaking directly with the person, you have other options:

• Report your concerns to social services or the police if you suspect abuse of a child.
• Remove or separate your child from the situation or person in question, even if it’s family.

Speaking to other people about your concerns is not gossip; it’s about keeping kids safe and building communities that are off limits.

These tips are explained and examined in detail in the book Off Limits, available directly from the publisher, Safer Society Press, by clicking here.

Of course, we still welcome phone orders at 802-247-3132.

This is a book every parent should read. It will be available in September 2010. Inquiries can be directed to Safer Society Press at 802-247-3132. 

Safer Society Press is the publishing program of the Safer Society Foundation, Inc., a nonprofit agency dedicated to ending sexual abuse and its harmful effects. 

Check back in later for updates and more information.